Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
