Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
