yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He better not be in your backpack
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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