WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
