Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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