I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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