I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
