Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
