guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize