Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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