Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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