I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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