Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
