ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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