Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
