Will you blow on my dice?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize