The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize