I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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