shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
