If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
