I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
