i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
