You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
