I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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