i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
