saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize