Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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