You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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