You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize