singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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