I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you didnt know i had herpes?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
