my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
