hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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