She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
