Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
