I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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