a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
