Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I look better un-naked...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
