What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
