You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
