I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
