I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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