Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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