so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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