By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
