That's when you crack a 10am beer
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
