My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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