Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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