There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
