just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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