mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
there is glitter all over my balls
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