Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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