The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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