and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
