New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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