I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
