i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
