i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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