I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
