my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
